2012: A Satirical Sporting Year Part Two

Please delve deep and feast your little cotton socks into the fascinating wonder that is my second ponder into the sporting year beyond compare…

RUGBY UNION

ITALY WIN SIX NATIONS
Italy succumb to France 30-12 in the opening fixture of the 2012 Six Nations but when researching the family tree of the New Zealand second team, Jacques Brunel discovers that they all have Italian grandparents. The Azzurri proceed to stun the Northern Hemisphere by thrashing England, Ireland and Wales by 50 points. Scotland ran off crying after the first ever rendition of the Italian haka.

HARLEQUINS MOVE TO CALAIS
With the salary cap in English rugby infuriating the Quins, they decided to pick up their francise, hop on the Spirit of France and set up camp in Calais. The move is believed to have been the brainchild of scrum half Danny Care, who is dazzled by the Cite Europe’s plundering prices of plonk. He escapes arrest for drink driving when the gendarme fail to see the difference with normal french motorists

ALSO MAKING THE HEADLINES:

RUGBY LEAGUE PLAYER MAKES SWITCH TO RUGBY UNION
ENGLAND INTERNATIONAL GETS CAUGHT DOING SOMETHING STUPID
SCOTLAND FINALLY WIN SOMETHING…THE WOODEN SPOON

TENNIS

ANDY MURRAY SECURES COLGATE SPONSORSHIP
After scooping the accolade for Britain’s most grumpy man, Andy Murray earns a new title sponsorship deal with Colgate, who contract him to smile for a minimum of 4 hours a day. Murray proceeds to lose in the first round of every tournament he plays in, citing sheer exhaustion from the effort of having to grin. As a result, Scotland’s devolution from England is fast tracked. David Cameron is quoted as saying: “You can only come back when Murray starts winning again.”

WIMBLEDON FINAL ABANDONED AFTER ROOF SHATTERS
In a repeat of the Australian Open screechfest between Victoria Azarenka and Maria Sharapova, all 10,000 spectators are offered complimentary earplugs and the blokes extra binoculars. However, the final is cruelly curtailed after just 3 points when the roof shatters when Sharapova lets out a yelp so sharp, the glass cannot withstand it.

WILLIAMS DEMANDS WORLD NUMBER ONE SPOT
Despite having missed an entire year out after stubbing her toe in a restaurant, the dopey American wins the US Open on her comeback and proceeds to slam the ranking system saying: “I win every tournament I play in.” Officials point out that she only enters four tournaments a year but Williams,¬†incandescent with rage, kicks the umpires chair and re-breaks her little toe.

ALSO MAKING THE HEADLINES:

DJOKOVIC OR NADAL WIN A GRAND SLAM
BOOKIES STOP TAKING BETS ON WOMEN’S TENNIS BECAUSE ANYBODY CAN BEAT ANYBODY
FEDERER WALKS OUT ONTO CENTRE COURT ON RED CARPET AND MARCHING BAND
IT RAINS AT WIMBLEDON

FORMULA ONE

HRT WIN WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP
Bernie Ecclestone takes pity on Hormone Replacement Therapy saying that their plastic, tortoise speed contraption couldn’t win a donkey derby. He creates a new rule saying HRT can design any vehicle they like with no regulations or boundaries. HRT promptly design a Yamaha motorcycle, sack De La Rosa and Karticrappy in favour of Casey Stones and Valentino Rossi and storm to a record 19 victories in a row

VETTEL & BUTTON DISQUALIFIED AFTER UNSEEN BEARD RULE
Despite going toe to toe for the entire season behind the flying HRTs, Sebastian Vettel and Jenson Button are disqualified after Bernie sneakly adds a clause in the regulations banning awful blonde fuzzy facial fluff. Lewis Hamilton steals third in the championship despite not shaving for the entire season. He nicknames one hair on his face Tony (as in Tony one I got)

MERCEDES MOVE INTO OAP MOBILITY MARKET
With Michael Schumacher’s aching, creaking and rapidly aging limbs, Mercedes develop an ingenious strategy to shoehorn him in and out of the car. In conjunction with Stannah, Merc develop a machine similar to those helping pensioners out of the bath. Tragedy strikes when it is released into the open market and 5 senior citizens suffer heart attacks when it takes them 5 seconds to climb out of the tub. Speed kills.

ALSO MAKING THE HEADLINES:

KARTHIKEYAN IS REPLACED MIDWAY THROUGH SEASON
HAMILTON IS PENALISED BY STEWARDS
JAKE HUMPHREY FINALLY SEES SENSE AND DROP KICKS EDDIE JORDAN INTO THE YAS MARINA BAY
BERNIE ADDS MORE GRAND PRIX WE DON’T NEED

OTHER SPORT

RONNIE O’SULLIVAN STARTS FIGHT WITH HIMSELF AT WORLD CHAMPS
Having made a startling comeback to form to regain his World Number One spot, Ronnie O’Sullivan is knocked out of the 888.betfred.paddypowerbet365pokercasinoplayfair.com World Championship after he misses a straight forward black off the spot in the opening frame. He blames himself but himself disagrees. A vicious and bloody battle ensues and the BBC, without warning, cuts its tranmission after the cue ends up somewhere… well you just don’t wanna know

HAYE COMEBACK HALTED BY SWOLLEN TONGUE, THEN ITCHY BACK, THEN HEADLICE
David Haye shocks (!) the Boxing world by announcing his return to the sport to pummel Wladimir Kitchsko only to withdraw a day before the fight due to a swollen tongue from all the bs he spouted to BBC Breakfast and Daybreak in the build up. He retires again and promises to forge an acting career, then comes out of retirement again… and so on… and so on…

WOODS DISCOVERS SECRET TO SEXCESS
After years of under achievement following the fire-hydrant, 5-iron-wielding-ex-wife, car crash that exposed his polygamous ways, Woods storms to all four majors in 2012. He sights a new swing coach, his trusty 1997 and the fact he’s gone back to sleeping with that is blonde and has two legs. Pulse optional. Think about it. His decline came after he stopped paying prostitutes and started getting rehab. Just saying….

I am a broadcast journalist  and broadcast assistant for BBC Radio Kent. Please note that all views in this article are 100% my own and are in no way representative of my employers and/or their associative partners. Please not that all views here are completely fictional and false and should not be taken seriously in any way.