2012: A Satirical Sporting Year Part One

“It’s a new dawn. It’s a new day, It’s a new life for me. And I’m feeling good,” (Simone, N, 1965; Muse, 2001; Buble, M, 2005).

Welcome, Bienevenue & 欢迎 to 2012. The year of the Olympic Games, Euro 2012, the 17th Annual World Bog Snorkelling Championships (as if you didn’t have it penciled in your diary already?!)

Let’s peer through the crystal ball and gaze longingly into the colossal chasm of celebration, the vast void of virtue and the amazing abyss of athleticism to see the sporting stories making the headlines in this year.*

FOOTBALL

BLACKBURN STORM INTO CHAMPIONS LEAGUE
Steve Kean starts a collection of all the pennies thrown at him during the season and buys a ticket for the Euromillions. Miraculously, he scoops the jackpot, netting a cool £150m. He tells his players where to go, buys Cristiano Ronaldo forges a fantastic threesome up front with his ego and his wallet and single handedly guides Rovers to fourth in the Premier League. The FA are so impressed with Kean’s performance that they appoint him England manager after Fabio Capello quits. The Mirror reports Kean promised Trevor Brooking all you can eat Venky’s chicken nuggets for life.

ENGLAND WIN EURO 2012
Within 15 seconds of England’s final group match against the Ukraine, Wayne Rooney storms off the pitch after one of the fans calls him Donkey from Shrek. The ogre-featured striker is so upset as he prefers to be likened to the green giant instead. In his absence, Capello calls upon Emile Heskey to fire England to the final with a breathtaking display of finishing. His final tally of 19 goals in 5 games earns him the tournament’s golden boot.

MARIO BALOTELLI RETIRES TO BECOME A MONK
The unfathomable Italian with a penchant for the peculiar shocks City fans by retiring on the eve of the Europa League Final against Stoke City. Balotelli tells the Sun: “I have found the divine path to enlightenment and realise that I am indeed God. I must commit myself to a lifetime of celibacy, silence and traffic offences in order to raise myself into the heavens and preach my gospel to the world.”

BLATTER DENOUNCES RACISM IN FOOTBALL
Fifa president Sepp Blatter shows the footballing world that he is not a racist but becoming best mates with Robert Mugabe. Blatter feels that his friendship with Zimbabwe’s tyrannical leader will prove that he embraces people of all cultures.

ALSO MAKING THE HEADLINES

NEIL WARNOCK IS SACKED AS QPR MANAGER
JOEY BARTON SAYS SOMETHING CONTROVERSIAL ON TWITTER
REFEREES MAKE BAD DECISIONS
PAMPERS SPONSOR ARSENAL FC (C*&p at the back, p%#s poor up front) 

CRICKET

COOK SCORES 1000 NOT OUT
With a series victory against the West Indies already assured, England treat the last test as a big long net. Andrew Strauss wins the toss, elects to bat and Alastair Cook negotiates all five days without alarm, compiling a record breaking 1000 not out. Cook’s marathon knock is overshadowed by redevelopments at Edgbaston, where spectators are enthralled watching paint dry. Tragically, two fans are found dead, suffering a suspected heart attack due to the excitement.

COUNTY CHAMPIONSHIP ABOLISHED IN FAVOUR OF FIVE OVER SLOG
Following weeks of meetings and discussions to see how to best implement the Morgan report on County Cricket, bigwigs at the ECB decide to ask school children to throw ideas into a hat. After the first three ideas of “Bigger Crayons”, “Change the Square into a Big Sandpit” and “Keep the format as it is” are laughed off for being preposterously outlandish, the winning idea from Callum, aged 5 from St. Johns Wood is accepted. Kent win the inaugural five over slog with Darren Stevens opening the batting and bowling, and wicket keeping too.

ALSO MAKING THE HEADLINES:

KEVIN PIETERSEN PLAYS STUPID SHOT
PONTING STILL DOESN’T RETIRE
SHANE WARNE ADMITTED TO HOSPITAL FOR EXHAUSTION AFTER SPENDING 53 HOURS TRYING TO FROWN
ENGLAND’S WOMEN WIN EVERY MATCH AND STILL NOBODY RECOGNISES THEIR ACHIEVEMENTS

OLYMPIC GAMES

OPENING CEREMONY ABANDONED AFTER OLYMPIC FLAME GETS STUCK IN TRAFFIC
In an embarrassing start to the sporting spectacular, the opening ceremony is cancelled after the Olympic Torch is held up in London traffic. Mayor Boris Johnson insists the relay takes in all 3,204 miles of London’s roads to prove how effective their Olympic bus lanes are. Disaster strikes when James May takes the torch, refusing to follow the designated route insisting he had a “pigeon’s instinct” when it came to navigating around the capital.

ALL EIGHT SPRINTERS DISQUALIFIED FROM MEN’S 100 METRE FINAL
The IOC and IAAF collaborate to remove false starts from the sport. The invention of new super sensitive blocks hit a stumbling point when Yohann Blake, Tyson Gay and Christophe Lemaitre are thrown out for breathing too heavily. Asafa Powell’s and Walter Dix’s heartbeats trigger the alarm too, leaving just Usain Bolt on the start line with the expectant crowd waiting. His exuberant showmanship enters unparalleled frontiers as he pulls out a McDonalds Happy Meal and begins chomping it in the set position. But when he drops his Pokemon toy, he goes to retrieve it and is duly disqualified. Dwain Chambers siezes the opportunity by jumping over the advertising hoardings and running the length of the track to cross the finish line first, giving Britain’s its only gold medal in track and field.

AQUATICS CENTRE CLOSED DUE TO DROUGHT
LOCOG’s installation of hundreds of trees, shrubs and turfed areas comes back to haunt them when water from the swimming pool is needed to irrigate the Olympic Park. In an unseasonably warm British summer, with temperatures often exceeding a balmy 19degC, reservoirs runs dry and even the IOC bar is raided to help water the chrysanthemums. Just as Tom Daley attempts his first dive, the plug is pulled on the pool. Daley is given just 2.5 for creating a splat on entry.

AMIR KHAN WINS BOXING SILVER
Aghast at his treatment in the professional game, Amir Khan makes a triumphant return to amateur boxing until a controversial points defeat in the Olympic final. Khan had won his previous 3 fights via knockout within 10 seconds but after flooring Kazakhstan brusier Mikhail Punchhardsov with the first blow of the bout, the referee disqualifies him for not letting his opponent go first. It later emerges the referee and three judges were bought off with a Curly Wurly, a packet of Opal Fruits and a Steve Ogrizovic shiny from the 1995 Panini sticker album.

ALSO MAKING THE HEADLINES:

CAVENDISH LAPS THE FIELD ON WAY TO ROAD CYCLING GOLD
ATHLETE FAILS DRUGS TEST
KLEENEX SHORTAGE MARS BEACH VOLLEYBALL FINAL
ALL 957 OLYMPIC MEDALS ARE STOLEN IN ARMED METAL THEFT RAID

COMING UP IN PART TWO:

DAVID HAYE MAKES COMBACK, THEN RETIRES, THEN MAKES COMEBACK, THEN RETIR…
RONNIE O’SULLIVAN STARTS A FIGHT WITH HIMSELF AT WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS
ITALY WIN SIX NATIONS
TIGER WOODS SLEEPS WITH SOMEBODY
ANDY MURRAY EARNS NEW SPONSORSHIP WITH COLGATE

*some events may actually be true

I am a broadcast journalist  and broadcast assistant for BBC Radio Kent. Please note that all views in this article are 100% my own and are in no way representative of my employers and/or their associative partners. Please not that all views here are completely fictional and false and should not be taken seriously in any way.